For over 2 years I've tried to forget.
For over 2 years I've tried to put it behind me.
...but there is no escape. No matter hos much I try to hide among the surface dwellers. Try to become them. There is always the nagging feeling that I'm neglecting my duties. That someone else bears a heavier burden because I have given up.
The stars paint me with dismay. They remind me that I no longer contribute.
I know I should go out there and face the void again. But I'm not strong enough. The losses will eat away what's left of my soul.
I'm lost either way.
I am no longer worthy of those that sacrifice themselves to defend me.
2012/03/13
2010/06/11
The long dark...
The artificial blueish light of station corridor made him feel even more alone. There were no sounds, only the low whine of the station air condition systems. The orange light of the K7 sun was weak when it reached the Aliastra station in Eddar, and it seemed to affect all its inhabitants.
Gahrian was also concious of himself as he moved up the dark corridor to his quarters. Like his limbs were artificial, and his body someone elses.
Was it this clone?
He tensed the muscles in his shoulders and rolled his head around. No... it felt like him. And the clone wasn't all that new.
Must be the station,.... or maybe the look Shiela had given him.
But it wasn't, and he knew. The slim Sebiestor man stopped dead in the corridor. To his right a holo projection displayed a meal consisting of small intricate bits of food. It looked great, and Gahrian knew it to be good. It was the "Tinar" restaurant on level 65. Shiela loved places like that. Couldn't be more than 8 or 9 tables in the small establishment, but through the door to the kitchen one could see tens of chefs running around. Gahrian always felt guilty when he caught the glance of the butler staring at him with his stiff smile, like he had been caught doing something illegal.
While standing in the corridor thinking about the Trinar place his hand had crept up and rested over his heart, over the new symbol. Gahrian closed his eyes and felt how the symbol burned in his hand. He didn't quite touch it, but he felt it.
Glowing.
It felt so right and... and so wrong. Not wrong... right but artificial.
He had dreamt of this day for over a year. The world had thrown all it could at him. Just when he was ready to make the move, something came up. But then the fog had cleared and he had gone through with it. He was now a pilot of Gradient.
A dream come true. But so much to live up to. To follow the steps of so many great men and women.
Gahrian started to sweat and his heart rate increased suddenly. He fought the tears swelling up in his eyes. Why? Why do I feel this way ? This is what you wanted. It's all good!
For another minute he stood motionless in the hallway before he moved. He didn't bother wiping the tears from he cheeks and he held the hand over the Gradient symbol, his hand closing to a fist crushing the GRD symbol in his hand. The last hundred meters before he entered his apartment his mind was out there among the stars, in the empty void where he belonged.
Gahrian was also concious of himself as he moved up the dark corridor to his quarters. Like his limbs were artificial, and his body someone elses.
Was it this clone?
He tensed the muscles in his shoulders and rolled his head around. No... it felt like him. And the clone wasn't all that new.
Must be the station,.... or maybe the look Shiela had given him.
But it wasn't, and he knew. The slim Sebiestor man stopped dead in the corridor. To his right a holo projection displayed a meal consisting of small intricate bits of food. It looked great, and Gahrian knew it to be good. It was the "Tinar" restaurant on level 65. Shiela loved places like that. Couldn't be more than 8 or 9 tables in the small establishment, but through the door to the kitchen one could see tens of chefs running around. Gahrian always felt guilty when he caught the glance of the butler staring at him with his stiff smile, like he had been caught doing something illegal.
While standing in the corridor thinking about the Trinar place his hand had crept up and rested over his heart, over the new symbol. Gahrian closed his eyes and felt how the symbol burned in his hand. He didn't quite touch it, but he felt it.
Glowing.
It felt so right and... and so wrong. Not wrong... right but artificial.
He had dreamt of this day for over a year. The world had thrown all it could at him. Just when he was ready to make the move, something came up. But then the fog had cleared and he had gone through with it. He was now a pilot of Gradient.
A dream come true. But so much to live up to. To follow the steps of so many great men and women.
Gahrian started to sweat and his heart rate increased suddenly. He fought the tears swelling up in his eyes. Why? Why do I feel this way ? This is what you wanted. It's all good!
For another minute he stood motionless in the hallway before he moved. He didn't bother wiping the tears from he cheeks and he held the hand over the Gradient symbol, his hand closing to a fist crushing the GRD symbol in his hand. The last hundred meters before he entered his apartment his mind was out there among the stars, in the empty void where he belonged.
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